She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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