Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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