Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
