I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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