Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
