I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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