So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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