a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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