I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
