i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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