I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The beer is more important than you right now.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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