i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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