My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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