he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize