They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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