you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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