I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Found your dick twin last night
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
