everyone is single if you try hard enough
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize