I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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