Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
