i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
