this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
