The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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