State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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