Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
