Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
