He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
