why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
