woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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