The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
