it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
