my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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