My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
