peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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