im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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