you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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