In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
