Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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