she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
