the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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