"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
