Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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