Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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