She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
