so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So here I am, sexting at work.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize