how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize