Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
