you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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