JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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