i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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