my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
3 2 1 whiskey
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
