Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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