my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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