When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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