i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
