Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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