Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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