Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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