Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
