Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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