i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Help. Why am I so naked?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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